ow many of your friends from high school—especially
the ones you always considered the "smarter
ones”—have not quite lived up to what you thought
they'd be doing by now? Not quite the job you'd
expect, not quite the ambition, not quite the
achievements, not quite the success.
Conversely, do you know of any "successful
failures?" These are the folks who weren't quite
smart in the traditional sense of school and
schooling. They were successful however when school
was over. These people took off. They were creative
types—entrepreneurs, successful in sales,
management, focusing on that which the rest of us
didn't even know could exist?
Can you name a few of them? These people either
possess what is called high EQ or low EQ. EQ is
the abbreviation for emotional intelligence and is
the other side of IQ, our intelligence quotient,
the measure of how smart we are. IQ is the measure
of our gifts in the areas of verbal strengths, math
scores, and the ability to process information. IQ
used to be the measure of how "smart" we were.
EQ measures smartness too—a different kind of
smart—the smart that knows people, can sense
emotion, trusts intuition, seeks consensus. People
with a strong EQ often have a larger vision, possess
charisma, and seem to operate in a world where there
is no one right answer. In this world, people are
more important than things and cooperation is a
way of life, not a management technique.
Most importantly, these people are regarded by
others as people persons, change masters, and adept
in the ways of the world. Those with high levels of
EQ are what we used to call "street smart." High
levels of EQ are the make up of those who ask
feeling oriented questions, can laugh at themselves,
and seem able to move easily in a crowd. As Susan
Roane writes, these folks can "work a room."
There is a flood of books and articles on EQ these
days. It is a growing body of knowledge that can
help any of us become more effective in our work.
For some of us it will literally save us in our
work. For others, our lack of EQ will level us off,
or worse, be our undoing at work and at home. If we fail to unite the thinking part
of ourselves with the feeling part, it will be dangerously evident to
others in our actions, in our productivity, and in
our own self-satisfaction.
The great psychiatrist, Alfred Adler, once remarked
that feelings are the gas in our tank, not the
steering wheel. They help move us, but do not direct
us. That is why we need thinking up at the wheel. In
combination, fuel and thought combine for forward
movement.
No one is immune to low EQ. Engineers, doctors,
mechanics, sales persons, teachers, flight
attendants and more can all suffer with painfully
low EQ. These same people, however, can perform
their jobs with technical success. Low EQ begins to
show as we rise in our organization and have to go beyond the script of our job, the times we
"ad lib," the times when we are asked for our
judgment as well as our know-ledge. These are times
when management puts each of us to the test. On a
career level, it is the difference between spaghetti
that is good and pasta that rings of Italy. Both
start with the same ingredients…the end product is
quite different.
When our emotional side is used in combination with
our intellectual side, we give presentations with
information and impact. We don’t just sell; we
establish a relationship of trust. We combine
thought with emotion, responding to the person, not
just the request. We greet people rather than
just answering the phone.
Have you ever met one of these high functioning EQ
people? These are the ones who "have that something
special." It is the person in your organization who
is most likely to be promoted, to succeed, and be
viewed as more competent by their superiors. We used
to call this bedside manner, people skills, or just
attributed it to the person themselves. "Oh that's
just the way she is," we'd laughingly say about a
bright, energetic employee. In fact we were probably
referring to a kind of genius, an emotional genius,
within the person that made them stand out from the
crowd.
Whether you want to stand out in a crowd or advance
your career or repair a relationship broken many
years ago, focusing on your emotional intelligence
may be a way to accomplish your goal. Here's how:
1. Emotional Self-Awareness: With selected interactions during the day, ask
yourself how you feel—not if you feel—but how. At least come up with one of the following
common feeling states—sad, mad, glad, scared, or
hurt. Just be aware of
your feelings, don't try to change them. This is not
always as easy as it might first appear. In fact,
even the most feeling oriented of us sometimes has
difficulty here. Just get used to consulting with
your feelings.
2. Awareness of the other:
With certain interactions ask how they might feel and why. Ask yourself further how they might feel
toward you as well. For example, someone could
express their outrage to me after a meeting, and yet
feel quite relieved that I listened and
understood…even with the outrage persisting. This
too is not easy. It is very easy, however, to feel
defensive because of what we perceive are another's
feelings. Defensiveness, although understandable, is
often destructive. Rather, try to be aware of how
they might feel; try to understand what it might
be like for them and what you might do if you felt
as they do.
3. Decide whether to talk about it or not: Sometimes enough said is enough said, for that time.
Often though, the reverse is true—not enough has
been said at all. Bring the issue up again, ask
about it, use feeling language ("I know you said you
were pretty mad about the transfer, how have you
felt about it since?"). When you decide to talk
more, to be the initiator, this will be a bit of a
risk especially if you don't usually follow up in
this way. Do it anyway. Take the risk, if only in
small ways. When you show genuine caring for
another, it is almost always received in good faith.
It's OK to be curious as long as you are genuine in
your caring, not investigative in your technique.
And, of course, regard everything as confidential…
very confidential.
4. Listen: Whenever we speak and initiate with emotion we
need to be at our best, listening posture. Nothing has to be solved during these times—listening
is enough. Listening happens best when you show
interest in what the other person is saying, taking
your lead from them, and actively participating in
the conversation with words, eye contact, and, yes,
your own emotion.
5. Acknowledge: Well, listening alone isn't quite enough; we must
acknowledge
what was said so that the speaker knows we are listening. This
is done best by repeating or restating what the
other has said, including feelings, even those just
below the surface. "You sound angry and disappointed
that you were left off the invitation list to the
awards dinner. Is that right?"
6. Always, always, always:
Ask yourself, how is this person feeling? Do
this to
inform yourself of their emotional state. You need
not change what you will say, but perhaps you will
change how you say it so that it will have a greater
chance of being listened to. In much the same way
we listen to the weather report to know how to dress
for work tomorrow, so too we need to gauge the
emotional climate of the other. The weather
report doesn't keep us from leaving the house,
it just helps us deal with the situation in a better
way.
7. Respond: Listening does not imply agreement…listening is
simply respect in action. Everyone has a
right to be known for who they are and what they
think. Responding takes listening to a higher
level; it indicates that your ideas and words prompt
a response in me, an action, a movement. Some
responses are non-verbal—a wink, a sigh, a touch, a
shared moment. Do you know someone who can, without
words, show you that they understand? They are
demonstrating EQ in action. Other responses are
verbal—a word, some encouragement, a story, some
advice. One of my friends responds to my story with
their story, similar in nature, encouraging and
engaging. If it were not close to mine, I might feel
upstaged. But when the story is a joining one, both
parties win. Other responses require us to do some
work—check data or follow up meetings. Do all this
with the permission of the other person.
8. Ask Yourself: What did this person teach me about myself and my
feelings?
This last part may help you master EQ more than any
other.
For it is here that you are able to find what has
been given to you. We are constantly giving
ourselves information about how we’re doing and
feeling, and we know many of our own gifts and
skills. Sometimes, recognition of these talents come
as a complete surprise to us. Other people can give
us valuable information about ourselves—even when we
don’t want to hear it. This combination of input is
what will foster improved EQ.
Whether people are here to teach us or not, there is
much to be learned from them…if only we will open
ourselves to it.
